I just realized

for the first time that i dont need a best friend.
im really really grateful for the few very close friends that i have.
theyre all my best friends.
and im really happy.

dejavu

Every time I disobey her, she doesn't know how to deal with it. So she uses this time to say something that cuts me the deepest. "Where's that girl everyone misses?" and I tried to tune her out from there. Afterwords I left and cried in my room. She doesn't realize how much that one sentence affects me. Using my biggest weakness against me to hurt me, is not what I would expect from my own mother.

A month or two before this, my old best friend says, "i feel bad that youve become a slut and feel the need to party all the time just because you lack a social life :( itll be ok, syd."

My mom did exactly what she did; used what she knew would break me. Why is it that the two closest people in my life, would be able to hurt me like that? I guess when you are that close to someone, you are leaving all your trust in their hands and they can either keep it, or completely destroy you with it.

human

"Mom, humans are the most fucked up creatures on this earth. We're literally destroying the world. Seeing the heartless things that people can do really makes me feel so far from human.. Cause i really don't get how people can do it. It seems like the more selfish you are, the more human you are. So it must be normal. To be human.."

"Maybe its the other way around. Maybe those people are more like animals. "

that's one of the deepest things i've heard her say.

being a girl

i hate how during a certain time of the month, for the rest of my life, i will never be able to fully trust my emotions.
i hate how if i dont pluck my eyebrows, straighten my hair, wear low cut shirts, makeup, expensive jeans, and act 'normal' every day, all of those shallow guys at school won't even look at me. why do i care about what they think anyway?
i hate how i feel extremely insecure and awkward once a month, then it's over.
i hate how if i want a baby, IM the one who has to give birth.
i hate how since im a girl, some people think its gross when i say i have to pee.
i hate how if i have sex with more than one person im a slut, but for guys, every girl is just another notch in their belt.
i hate all the drama that my girl friends bring me.

religion-ist

"I'm always there for them, but I'm never their best friend. I feel so unappreciated"
"Your christian friends are always going to view things on a deeper level. They're the ones that'll appreciate you."
"Um, Michael is one of the deepest people I know.. he isn't christian. And look at Rachel.."

*silence*

Your religion has nothing to do with how "deep" you are. It has a lot to do with how deep you think you are but those are two different things. You christians aren't as superior and wise as you think.

complaining

He tells me what I want to hear to get me excited and then it's just an even worse feeling when I know it's not going to happen. It's like a high. It feels good for a short time, but afterwords you feel like shiit. His words are like meth. At his age, shouldn't he know that people don't like liars? To me, it's a much bigger let down when you realize someone was lying to you instead of telling you what you might not want to hear at first.

I'd rather hear what I dont want to hear than hear what I'd like to hear, and later realize it's exactly what I didnt want to hear... No matter how brutal the truth is, a lie hurts so much more. I dont like flakes.