i hope you both read thiiiis

i just read all of your recent blogs. both of you. and then i started crying.. hard. i couldnt help it, i got this overwhelming sadness all of a sudden. you two are so important to me.. i cant even explain how important. and i guess everything you two have been going through this past year just now hit me.

its like im getting a tiny taste of how depressed youve been. i just wish you could have let me help. i wish i couldve been there. but maybe its good i wasnt. its something you have to get through on your own. either way i really hope it ends soon, not for my sake, i can wait as long as it takes. but for yours. when we were little, neither of us would have imagined it turning out this way. dropping out of school, depression, months without seeing eachother, endless blocking and adding again on facebook bullshit. after all of those years of friendship which few people get to experience. ridiculous.

i bet its weird having two people in your life who are connnstantly trying to make you apart of theirs again and again and again. sure, we used to be friends, and sure you two were in love. but i cant even begin to imagine how you actually feel about us. do we seem obsessed? ive definitely questioned that, at least for me. am i? whatever it is, i just hope you figure out how you feel soon. because i want all of this to end, and stay that way.

if i could ask for one thing this year, it would be to not have to read anymore sad blogs. no more sad stories about unmutual feelings, unresolved friendship. i want us three to be happy. not just for a month. this rollercoaster has been going for way too long. when it stops, we're all for sure gonna throw up but then we'll feel so much fucking better.

i really do think its going to stop soon. until then ill just wish at every 11:11 that it does..

I just realized

for the first time that i dont need a best friend.
im really really grateful for the few very close friends that i have.
theyre all my best friends.
and im really happy.

dejavu

Every time I disobey her, she doesn't know how to deal with it. So she uses this time to say something that cuts me the deepest. "Where's that girl everyone misses?" and I tried to tune her out from there. Afterwords I left and cried in my room. She doesn't realize how much that one sentence affects me. Using my biggest weakness against me to hurt me, is not what I would expect from my own mother.

A month or two before this, my old best friend says, "i feel bad that youve become a slut and feel the need to party all the time just because you lack a social life :( itll be ok, syd."

My mom did exactly what she did; used what she knew would break me. Why is it that the two closest people in my life, would be able to hurt me like that? I guess when you are that close to someone, you are leaving all your trust in their hands and they can either keep it, or completely destroy you with it.

human

"Mom, humans are the most fucked up creatures on this earth. We're literally destroying the world. Seeing the heartless things that people can do really makes me feel so far from human.. Cause i really don't get how people can do it. It seems like the more selfish you are, the more human you are. So it must be normal. To be human.."

"Maybe its the other way around. Maybe those people are more like animals. "

that's one of the deepest things i've heard her say.

being a girl

i hate how during a certain time of the month, for the rest of my life, i will never be able to fully trust my emotions.
i hate how if i dont pluck my eyebrows, straighten my hair, wear low cut shirts, makeup, expensive jeans, and act 'normal' every day, all of those shallow guys at school won't even look at me. why do i care about what they think anyway?
i hate how i feel extremely insecure and awkward once a month, then it's over.
i hate how if i want a baby, IM the one who has to give birth.
i hate how since im a girl, some people think its gross when i say i have to pee.
i hate how if i have sex with more than one person im a slut, but for guys, every girl is just another notch in their belt.
i hate all the drama that my girl friends bring me.

religion-ist

"I'm always there for them, but I'm never their best friend. I feel so unappreciated"
"Your christian friends are always going to view things on a deeper level. They're the ones that'll appreciate you."
"Um, Michael is one of the deepest people I know.. he isn't christian. And look at Rachel.."

*silence*

Your religion has nothing to do with how "deep" you are. It has a lot to do with how deep you think you are but those are two different things. You christians aren't as superior and wise as you think.

complaining

He tells me what I want to hear to get me excited and then it's just an even worse feeling when I know it's not going to happen. It's like a high. It feels good for a short time, but afterwords you feel like shiit. His words are like meth. At his age, shouldn't he know that people don't like liars? To me, it's a much bigger let down when you realize someone was lying to you instead of telling you what you might not want to hear at first.

I'd rather hear what I dont want to hear than hear what I'd like to hear, and later realize it's exactly what I didnt want to hear... No matter how brutal the truth is, a lie hurts so much more. I dont like flakes.